09-29-2010

09-24-2010

Flotation Devices

We belong to a little pool here in town. I suspect that at one time it was part of an HOA, but once the neighborhood matured, the HOA disbanded, and the pool became it's own entity. Like an HOA pool, it's open only to members, but anyone who wants to can join - and it's been lovingly a 'summer home' for many, many families in our area. We've known about it for a long time, but it wasn't until this summer that we joined, as it seemed important for us to have a place to retreat to when the summer dull-drums came into effect or we needed to escape the heat.

It's been a fun experience, and one that I hope we participate in for years to come.

Over the course of the summer, a natural rhythm developed. At some part of the day, once class was over for the day and Charles returned to work, JB and BW would grow tired of each other's company and the bickering would begin. At that point, Mama grabbed a few snacks, the towels and computer, and off we'd head to the pool for a couple of hours of sun, fresh air and the kids could use their 'outdoor' voices while mama was able to get some homework done.

Oftentimes, BW's and JB's friends from school would be there and it was a lot of fun to see how the children would play amongst themselves and work out tense moments, misunderstandings and conflict. It was also amazing to see how quickly the kids adapted to the water, and turned into swimming fish almost overnight.

Perhaps the most memorable game they came up with involved a colossal alligator shaped inflatable raft upon which two or three children could ride. I'm not sure what the lifeguards thought the first time they heard BW and his buddy screaming "TITANIC!!!" at the top of their lungs as they tipped it over and swam under the thing splashing and screaming that they were sinking.

At first, Titanic easily held three 1st graders on it's back without thread of sinking and was immediately THE MOST POPULAR toy in the world, or so I was told by many mama's wondering a) where ever did we find such a thing, and b) how in the world did we fit it into my little car. (I drive an Escape, and it took some maneuvering to get it in there!)

From that first moment, we never again left for the pool without Titanic in tow, even after he sprang a leak and was no longer as buoyant... He was in fact even more popular once he wasn't as turgid since he was easier to tip, and far more likely to sink as they 'struggled' along resisting "THE TITANIC!!! AHHHH HE'S SINKING!!!!"

This last weekend was the last of the season. The pool is now officially closed after getting a late start due to cold weather and construction delays. Titanic retired to the recycle bin with a great deal of pomp and circumstance, reminiscing about how much fun he was, and many utterances that the pool would never be the same. The house had two very distraught, somber children.

Charles went shopping again. And somehow, from somewhere (he won't share) another box, filled with a plastic inflatable alligator silently appeared. Squeals of delight were heard from the Olson household.

It's pretty much guaranteed that next summer we will once again be toting along a worn and sagging alligator by the name of Titanic Too, as he was gleefully christened, and if you drive by our little community pool screams of "AHHH THE TITANIC'S SINKING!!!" may be heard.

That is, if they let us back in.

The forbidden fruit...

When you are a six year old who is learning about Johnny Appleseed at school, and there is an apple tree in the back yard... there is nothing more exciting than picking and shaking free every apple within reach from the tree on this, a crisp beautiful and sunny day and presenting them to the world around you as the ultimate gift.

Only. Well. We have an ornamental apple tree in the yard. And we don't spray for worms. And ... The apples are so tiny they resemble plums more than they do apples. But, BW and JB have more initiative than do most children their ages... so we were presented with baskets and baskets of little green apples.

After being hounded by two very excited and persistent children, who didn't want to see their apples and hard work go to waste, Charles and I peeled, cored, de-wormed, and sliced nearly five pounds of these tiny green apples. Tiny, green, hard, unripe projectiles.

Not willing to put all of the collective efforts to waste, we found a simple recipe for apple butter that called for enough sugar that it might, just might counter the tart nature of the green projectiles. The hard part was waiting the 17 hours that were needed to let the concoction cook down into a smooth and flavorful past that we could spread on toast or add to oatmeal or yogurt.

Surprisingly, after that deliriously long period of time, the concoction turned out to be a tasteful treat! One that we've all enjoyed and celebrated!

It was (and still is... there were a LOT of apples) a loving demonstration of "Teamwork!" as JB described it.

It's good to be back...

Dear Ambien...

Dear Ambien,

I'm sorry to have to do this, but I must. We are just not good for each other; you've been driving me crazy for the last several months. Literally. As in were it not for darling Charles asking me why I was so down when things were so good, I might not have been forced to reflect on our relationship.

Friendships have been strained or outwardly lost. Charles has endured, the children have suffered - all because you drive me crazy; literally, bat-shit over the edge thinking really bad long term and harmful thoughts. Sure, you help me 'reset' my sleeping habits when things are rocky for days at a time and I need to establish a better schedule, but the thoughts and moods that accompany you are just too much for anyone person to have to deal with. Too much that any one person who wants to live a healthy life should have to accommodate - much less those around them.

Sure, we haven't gone on any wild rides at night or emptied any refrigerators together, but having almost said goodbye to all those I hold near and dear... Well, I'm sure you will understand, but I need better friends who like to play much more nicely.

So, Ambien, I hope that you take no offense, but I won't be on anymore play dates with you, or visiting for hours on end. No, I think the break has been made and I'm better for it, and as wonderful as you may be for millions of others out there, I think I want to move on to greener pastures.

- Amy O.

09-15-2010

09-10-2010

One foot in front of the other...

This has been the longest, hardest summer of my life... and I hope, nay, I pray that I never have to go through anything like this again.

I've sooooo been looking for something funny, lighthearted and joyful to write about, to post, but the words fail to come.

Now that school has started and we are firmly entrenched in the regular ebb and flow of a routine, my mind and body have decided that it is time for me to begin the true, long and lasting process of grieving.

I've been able to avoid it thus far by making sure that everything associated with what was AunT's life is in order, taking care of two very active children over the summer while juggling a seriously challenging class and trying to decide what to do with my own future that I've been able to 'push it off' to another time (save for those moments when it was too much and I was forced to cry.) There are no more distractions.

But now, now I am in the process. The process of dreaming and reliving the calls that horrible morning. The process of remembering the echoes of the cries leaving my body when it became clear to me what I was being told on the phone.

This sadness, these feelings want out and until they are, I'll be 'stuck' in this place. And I'm tired of it. Tired of the wondering why, tired of the disappointment, the anger, and the waste of it. Tired of the inability to smile, laugh and take joy in the simple things. Tired of the overwhelming crushing weight of sorrow that follows me through the day and the tears that end the day.

I know and believe as the saying says, "Time heals all wounds". I'm just wondering how much time. I need to know that at some point I'll see my kids do something silly and be able to smile without the sensation of tears welling up. I need to know that at some point, food will again taste wonderful, and a glass of wine will be something to be enjoyed, not sought for comfort and it's numbing qualities.

I hope it is soon. We could all use a bit more of mama's joy and laughter after this summer.