This has been the longest, hardest summer of my life... and I hope, nay, I pray that I never have to go through anything like this again.I've sooooo been looking for something funny, lighthearted and joyful to write about, to post, but the words fail to come.
Now that school has started and we are firmly entrenched in the regular ebb and flow of a routine, my mind and body have decided that it is time for me to begin the true, long and lasting process of grieving.
I've been able to avoid it thus far by making sure that everything associated with what was AunT's life is in order, taking care of two very active children over the summer while juggling a seriously challenging class and trying to decide what to do with my own future that I've been able to 'push it off' to another time (save for those moments when it was too much and I was forced to cry.) There are no more distractions.
But now, now I am in the process. The process of dreaming and reliving the calls that horrible morning. The process of remembering the echoes of the cries leaving my body when it became clear to me what I was being told on the phone.
This sadness, these feelings want out and until they are, I'll be 'stuck' in this place. And I'm tired of it. Tired of the wondering why, tired of the disappointment, the anger, and the waste of it. Tired of the inability to smile, laugh and take joy in the simple things. Tired of the overwhelming crushing weight of sorrow that follows me through the day and the tears that end the day.
I know and believe as the saying says, "Time heals all wounds". I'm just wondering how much time. I need to know that at some point I'll see my kids do something silly and be able to smile without the sensation of tears welling up. I need to know that at some point, food will again taste wonderful, and a glass of wine will be something to be enjoyed, not sought for comfort and it's numbing qualities.
I hope it is soon. We could all use a bit more of mama's joy and laughter after this summer.
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