Recently I received a little book in the mail from an unexpected source and within it's pages I found the following quote to be eerily applicable to the journey I've undertaken as I attempt to move into a field so far removed from that which I trained when I was younger.
"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned
so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
- E.M. Forester, British writer (1879-1970)
My quest to move into the field of medicine has been in effect since the Spring of 2010. After many sleepless nights trying to figure out what to do with my life, how to best use my talents and develop my interests I came to the conclusion that the people I was happiest around and enjoyed socializing with were nurses and doctors. So I began to investigate how to become one of them.
After looking into and determining that the best option for myself and my little family was to register for and attend a nearby community college and ultimately acquire an RN.
During a routine checkup with my doctor, (who after so many years, was also a friend) I mentioned to her that after many months of reflection and soul searching that I'd made my decision as to my future career path. I shared that I was going to work towards an RN and hopefully become a valued member of the field. And we began talking about the details and timeline for this goal.
As she was about to leave, she paused with her hand on the opened door, and as she turned she closed it and said. "Amy, I cannot in good conscious leave this room without letting you know that I think that you would make a good nurse but a great doctor. As a nurse you would be fired a lot because you have too inquisitive a mind, and you don't hesitate to challenge others when you think they are wrong and no doctor that I know would be welcoming of that."
Over the next twenty or so minutes (which is precious time for a doctor) she laid out how it was possible for me to attend medical school, pass my boards and begin practicing as an MD. She steadfastly dismissed each of the reasons that I had as to why her suggestion of medical school was not only outlandish, but impossible.
At dinner I mentioned the conversation to Charles, and after some thought, he set his fork down and stated in a matter of fact voice that our friend and health provider Lyn was absolutely correct.
And so began the 'scenic route' that Charles calls the last few years.
I have jumped through hoops, challenged the unquestionable, accomplished what many doubted and gotten up when beaten down. And I've done it for three years.
But today I am tired. And it's hard not to think of all the time, events and experiences that I've missed with my family without an obvious reward to make it all seem worthwhile.
Twice I've submitted applications; twice I've received an impersonal email rejection. It does not matter how eloquent I write my essays, or the quality of the recommendations I assemble or the timeliness in which I submit my application. I have come to the stark realization that even though I have the talent, the interest the endurance and the intellect to become an awesome practitioner of medicine, it is likely that I will never be given the opportunity to do so. But again, I will submit an application over the summer, hopeful that one of the programs I seek to attend will grant me entry.
I'm trying hard to not let the frustration and disappointment turn into bitterness, and on some day's I'm more successful than others. After surviving CNA boot camp over Christmas break, and with great prospects of getting a job at one of the 'nicer' long-term care facilities, I have still not turned in my application for work. The idea that I shot for the moon and landed in... a black hole is just too much at the moment.
I currently have a stimulating job that is just the right level of stress and that I find is intellectually challenging on a regular basis. I've met wonderful people, and developed lasting relationships. I've learned more about myself than the subjects I've covered or the people I've worked with.
I wonder though, how long the social element will let me continue in my position as a captioner. I suspect that at some point I will be wholly rejected by the students that I work with due to my greying hair, sagging skin and warbling voice, not to mention my slowing reflexes when it comes to word processing.
So I wonder what the future has in store for me. At this moment the fire in my belly is but embers, ready to take off and burn hot and strong, or conversely, extinguish.
As one of my favorite fortune cookie sayings goes "fall will see your worries slip away." I know that time will tell, and that fall might just see my worries slip away, but I sure wish that it would do it sooner rather than later.
My soul has sure taken a beating.
After looking into and determining that the best option for myself and my little family was to register for and attend a nearby community college and ultimately acquire an RN.
During a routine checkup with my doctor, (who after so many years, was also a friend) I mentioned to her that after many months of reflection and soul searching that I'd made my decision as to my future career path. I shared that I was going to work towards an RN and hopefully become a valued member of the field. And we began talking about the details and timeline for this goal.
As she was about to leave, she paused with her hand on the opened door, and as she turned she closed it and said. "Amy, I cannot in good conscious leave this room without letting you know that I think that you would make a good nurse but a great doctor. As a nurse you would be fired a lot because you have too inquisitive a mind, and you don't hesitate to challenge others when you think they are wrong and no doctor that I know would be welcoming of that."
Over the next twenty or so minutes (which is precious time for a doctor) she laid out how it was possible for me to attend medical school, pass my boards and begin practicing as an MD. She steadfastly dismissed each of the reasons that I had as to why her suggestion of medical school was not only outlandish, but impossible.
At dinner I mentioned the conversation to Charles, and after some thought, he set his fork down and stated in a matter of fact voice that our friend and health provider Lyn was absolutely correct.
And so began the 'scenic route' that Charles calls the last few years.
I have jumped through hoops, challenged the unquestionable, accomplished what many doubted and gotten up when beaten down. And I've done it for three years.
But today I am tired. And it's hard not to think of all the time, events and experiences that I've missed with my family without an obvious reward to make it all seem worthwhile.
Twice I've submitted applications; twice I've received an impersonal email rejection. It does not matter how eloquent I write my essays, or the quality of the recommendations I assemble or the timeliness in which I submit my application. I have come to the stark realization that even though I have the talent, the interest the endurance and the intellect to become an awesome practitioner of medicine, it is likely that I will never be given the opportunity to do so. But again, I will submit an application over the summer, hopeful that one of the programs I seek to attend will grant me entry.
I'm trying hard to not let the frustration and disappointment turn into bitterness, and on some day's I'm more successful than others. After surviving CNA boot camp over Christmas break, and with great prospects of getting a job at one of the 'nicer' long-term care facilities, I have still not turned in my application for work. The idea that I shot for the moon and landed in... a black hole is just too much at the moment.
I currently have a stimulating job that is just the right level of stress and that I find is intellectually challenging on a regular basis. I've met wonderful people, and developed lasting relationships. I've learned more about myself than the subjects I've covered or the people I've worked with.
I wonder though, how long the social element will let me continue in my position as a captioner. I suspect that at some point I will be wholly rejected by the students that I work with due to my greying hair, sagging skin and warbling voice, not to mention my slowing reflexes when it comes to word processing.
So I wonder what the future has in store for me. At this moment the fire in my belly is but embers, ready to take off and burn hot and strong, or conversely, extinguish.
As one of my favorite fortune cookie sayings goes "fall will see your worries slip away." I know that time will tell, and that fall might just see my worries slip away, but I sure wish that it would do it sooner rather than later.
My soul has sure taken a beating.
You sure are an inspiration for me to stand up and fight for my dreams to finally come to fruition, all of them! But especially the ones that include being a bigger part of helping to care for my family's well being and survival. Thanks Ela! ;)
ReplyDelete